Shh, Listen Up!

An old friend called me on Satuday evening.  A big smile broke across my face as soon as I saw his name pop up on Caller ID.  He's that kind of person.

He lives in California.  I live in Connecticut.  We haven't seen one another for a long time.  I hadn't even heard his voice for a while, that distinctive North Carolina tone (or, "Noath ka-'Lina" as he'd say it).  But, more importantly, I hadn't heard that unique point of view that's always made him a joy to be with.

A few years ago we'd spent some very intense time working together on a large organizational transformation project that focused on teaching and using a variation of David Bohm's approach to dialogue.  On Saturday, we began talking about things old and new, (he's a retired executive these days, spending his time creating with oil paint rather than with oil rigs) and I told him of our most recent conversation-focused work with organizations. 

Then he said, "You know, I've been thinking about our schools.  We teach our kids how to read.  We teach them how to write.  We teach them how to use computers.  Ya know what?  The only thing we don't teach them how to do is listen."

This is why I miss seeing this guy.  He's forever coming up with simple, insightful observations.

Why don't we teach kids how to listen?

Because we don't value listening very much in our culture.  What we value is talking.  We "want our point of view to be heard"; we "want to say what's on our mind"; we want to "influence others."  Rare to hear someone who stresses hearing others' points of view, listening to what's on your mind, or being influenced by what you have to say.

Why is that?

Well, I think it has a lot to do with power.  The power dynamics in relationships are very important to Americans and giving opinions by speaking, expressing, influencing, (selling) is the power position in conversations.  Traditionally, the masculine position.  Listening, receiving opinions, appreciating, modifying (buying) implies lesser power.  The feminine position.

We glorify talking.  Speech class for students.  How to win friends, and influence people.  Public speaking for executives.  Think of how funny the opposites of those sound.  "I've got to go to my Listening class."  "How to win friends and be influenced by other people."  "Public Listening."  (Full disclosure: you'll notice this is not called The TrueListen Blog.)

But, as is so often the case in our culture, it's the thing we think most simple that is really the most difficult.  Being an effective listener (hear how odd that sounds?) starts with becoming still, hearing the whole of what another is saying, making sure you understand what this person means. 

That's not what we're used to in conversations.  We're used to gearing up, not down; waiting for an opportunity to get a word in, so we can make a point; thinking about what we have to say next, so others "get" (buy) what we have to say.

And this is one reason why Cluetrain's deceptively simple, "markets are conversations" is so much more challenging for companies than it might appear.  Because, as Brad points out (thanks, Doc) a conversation is not something you can do to a customer, it's something you have to do with her.

So, you're no longer in control of "the brand message." 

No longer in control of "the brand's image." 

No longer in control of "the customer relationship."

No longer on top.

Update: Kathy at Creating Passionate Users asks a couple of great questions:

So, if talking to customers/users can be such a simple thing, why do some companies find it so hard and strange to do?  Why was it that what was unthinkable at one place (to not talk to customers), was the status quo at another?

I think it has to do with who's really ready to give up the illusion of controlling customer relationships, and who's not.

Comments

[Connie Sartain]

Beautifully said.

Remember Hilary Clinton's "listening" campaign when she ran for the Senate? What male politico would have positioned his new candidacy like that?

Listening belongs in the new Rule Set.

As does relationships...however you describe learning about them, or being effective with them. Again an area women are thought to be interested in talking about, and men...well, we've had that conversation!

Another thing we don't teach (in business school) is relationships. I'm not exaggerating when I say my MBA prepared me in no way for the business world. For me, it simply wasn't about what they said it was about.

And every time I decide gender isn't an issue, I realize it is THE issue.

The only place anyone ever focused on "listening" and "intentions" was in acting class. The values in acting were different from the workplace, perhaps the opposite. Acting is a creative undertaking - about authenticity, searching for the truth. Management was about pretending to be in control.

[fouro]

Wow, cubed.

Tom, excellent toughts, and Connie, possibly one of the best comments to a blog post ever. [Freeman School of Biz, Tulane]

Business is about distances - removing them. Too many professors and practitioners don't get that.

[Tom Guarriello]

Connie & Fouro, thanks for the thoughts.

The fears elicited by the concept of "relationships beyond controls" makes most businesspeople weak in the knees...women less so than men, perhaps, but, as the Carly stories recently demonstrated, not at all limited to men.

What if Carly had listened to her Board more effectively? Would that have made enough of a difference?

[Connie Sartain]

Certainly, if her intent was to keep her job. (Rule #1, please your boss.) However, I've found that you have to be very careful who you listen to. For example, I've heard quite enough out of Livia and I'm just beginning the second year of The Sopranos!

[Tom Guarriello]

Well, no indication that she didn't want to keep her job, so I can only surmise that she didn't hear what was being said clearly enough.

You also make a great point about being careful who you listen to: besides Livia Soprano (a great example!), Othello's Iago and Jose Conseco also spring to mind!

[sun]

I can't believe I am reading all these blogs, and now responding to them. It is interesting how people like to share their personal views on the www. I never seem to get time to "converse" like this. Like now, I need to sign off!!